Since my father’s death, I’ve put a lot of thought into choice and consequence. If you read much on this or my other blog, you know that I’m a fan of personal responsibility.
Of course there is some aspect of what I’ll call grace—people and events at least seemingly showing up when I most need them, or when they need me. But largely, I can pinpoint choices throughout my life and own the consequences, good or bad.
None of that is new. What’s new is the urgency I feel to create the life of my dreams. It isn’t like I’m lazy or have been procrastinating, but in the back of my mind I always felt that I had time. If I didn’t make the best choice to carry me to my goals quickly, there was time to learn from the mistake.
When I got really sick with a parasite infection, I realized life could end at any moment. Frankly, on an unconscious level, I didn’t feel like I deserved the life I dreamed of having. And I was still too sick to really do much about it. If I got better, there would be time to do something about it then.
Time…we waste it, spend years hoping it will go faster, and then one day we suddenly realize that our time on this earth is finite. My guess is that there are two responses to that knowledge:
1) Panic and then quickly pushing the thought aside because you stopped believing you’d ever get to live your dreams (or that you’re unworthy), or
2) Panic and realizing that if there’s any chance of getting to live your dreams, you’ve got to take action right now and every day that you wake up on the right side of the dirt.
The days before my father’s death were filled with learning that my lack of feeling I deserved a good life wasn’t justified. My response to time being finite changed right then and there.
I realized I’d been talking about goals and what I wanted without looking at the bigger picture. Sure I was reaching some goals, but those goals didn’t fit with my biggest desires. I hadn’t defined the dreams that were absolutely and without doubt the most important for me to reach. And although I still fight it some days, the belief that I wasn’t worthy of achieving the things I worked for…that belief was challenged and failed.
The result is that my life is changing. I love helping people who are willing to help themselves, and I feel rewarded when my suggestions get them out of pain or help shave time off the journey to their dreams.
When I actively practiced, people often said I was born a healer. Recently, I’ve started to hear that I was born a writer. In fact, a good friend said that one of my greatest flaws is not writing my memoir.
As I thought about all of those comments, I realized that there isn’t conflict between them. The people who like my writing like it because it helps them heal and grow. I like writing and sharing the knowledge I gained in my chiropractic practice. And my friend is right—what I’ve experienced and learned needs shared.
A Comfortable Soul started as a way to reach more people than I could ever do in private practice. But I got sick just as it started and it never got the kind of substance it needed. So, it changed to my personal blog and fictional writing site. Satisfaction And Beyond started as support for my fitness book. The book has been retired, but the site is blossoming.
That brings me back to the urgency I now feel to make my dreams reality. We can do anything in life we want, but we can’t do everything. There are far more entertaining people than me in this world. However, the experiences that shaped me — the ones that taught me to survive and sometimes even thrive despite significant hardships — because of those experiences I can offer hope where it is fading, guidance when life is overwhelming, and the comfort that someone else is out there working at improving themselves and their lives even when others are telling them it’s never going to happen.
This is the last post I’ll be making at acomfortablesoul.com. Please join me over at www.satisfactionandbeyond.com. The site is no longer just about fitness and food. If you enjoyed some of the ramblings and observations I posted about here, you’ll find plenty that’s enjoyable there too. And for your convenience, you can sign up for our mailing list which causes and email to be delivered to your inbox each time there’s a new post, or you can like us on Facebook.
Kathryn
